STONE COLD HAVEN

Blame Val for distorting my mind and giving me post ideas to fill my break. I need a break anyway and since it’s been a while up in here – I might as well fess up.

1. Last beverage:
Nice properly ground coffee – always works a treat early in the morning. None of that instant stuff.

2. Last phone call:
My graphic designer in Kenya – I’ve got this habit of insisting that I won’t employ someone in my neighbourhood when there’s a cheaper (not always though) alternative that will give someone a few bob at home to do his or her thing. Don’t ever say I didn’t help with the economy Back home.

3. Is there a number 3?
Val – what’s the conspiracy with this omission?

4. Last song you listened to:
Tabu Ley Rochereau – Muzina. Always in the car – and have my son singing along…

5. Last time you cried:
You’re fucking kidding me, right?

HAVE YOU EVER:

6. Dated someone twice?
No! – but if you mean had sex with an ex-girlfriend for old time sake – Yeah! I wouldn’t go as far as calling it dating again though – it was just a booty call. Why complicate things by letting another relationship get in the way of a perfectly legitimate good old fashioned arse tapping?

7. Been cheated on?
Probably – I’m not one to try and ask questions that have answers I’m not prepared for. Some sleeping dogs are just best left the fuck down.

8. Kissed someone?
Is the Pope Catholic?

9. Lost someone special?
I’m philosophical about this one – and I suppose it depends if they were mine in the first place. But I’ve had break-ups if that’s what you mean.

10. Been depressed?
No, not really – but I suppose if you asked a shrink they’d want to justify the fee and suggest otherwise. There was a time though many years back that I had to start learning how to live my life from scratch because of a life changing experience – but I was probably too busy learning how to start life from scratch again to even be depressed.

11. Been drunk and threw up?
Is this a trick question?

LIST FOUR FAVORITE COLORS:
Would it surprise you if I told you that the concept of colour is one that is foreign to my vocabulary?

12. Black – my car is metallic midnight black – love it.
13. Black – My laptop is black and no, I don’t do Goth.
14. Blue – I was in Batian House in primary school and we wore blue.
15. Beige – don’t know why, it just looks cool.

HAVE YOU:

16. Made new friends:
Yes – I recently met new friends and had a ball. Her of the crazy variety cooked me a platinum dinner of Olympic quality, although FG and M were still eating it as they carried it home the next day, and I was left driving home salivating for the second round…LOL.

17. Fallen out of love?
Now why would I want to complicate my life by contemplating such nebulous questions.

18. Laughed until you cried?
No!

19. Met someone who changed you?
Yes, my son.

20. Found out who your true friends were?
Oh Yes – a very long time ago.

21. Found out someone was talking about you?
Never gone looking but tis a fact of life – and all the more reason not to spend my energy looking.

22. Kissed anyone on your friend’s list?
On FB? Yeah – but that would be telling. Wanajijua wenyewe. →

23. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life?
Define ‘real’ life? I didn’t know the internet was fake. But just for consistency in answering the question, I know everyone on my FB list personally.

24. Again Val, where is No. 24? Is there a conspiracy?

25. Do you have any pets?
No! Now why would I want to live with an animal in my house.

26. Do you want to change your name?
It’s a bit too late for that…LOL

27. What did you do for your last birthday?
Worked during the day, went for dinner in the evening, and the rest would make my wife blush.

28. What time did you wake up today?
5.00 am as I do every weekday.

29. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Sleeping.

30. Name something you CANNOT wait for:
For project A to become a reality. It’s stressful being in the ‘sausage factory’ with this one and I’ll be glad to see it through and move on to the next thing.

31. Last time you saw your father?
Is this another trick question? I could say a few months ago, but those who understand will know why I ask if this is a trick question.

32. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life?
Another trick question…LOL! It can’t happen so let’s move right along.

33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom?
Yeah, several.

34. What’s getting on your nerves right now?
The biased, unprofessional, pathetic and criminal media shit stirring being conducted by the western media about Africa. Everything to them about Africa is a cesspit. It really doesn’t help that the Coupe du Mond is being battled for in South Africa starting Friday.

35. Last visited webpage?
Project A. You’ll have to wait for a few weeks to know what I’m visiting out there.

36. What’s your name?
Darius.

37. Nicknames?
Stone Cold.

38. Relationship Status?
Married.

39. Zodiac sign?
Aries

40. Male or female or transgendered?
Go figure.

41. Primary?
Westlands.

42. Middle School?
What is it exactly that folks do here?

43. High school?
Patch

44. Hair color?
Black (when there’s some on my head)

45. Long/medium/short?
I’m clean cut most of the time, or low crop during winter. Nice, simple, no drama – and it brings out the handsome in yours truly.

46. Height?
6 ft and a cigarette butt.

47. Do you have a crush on someone?
LOL! Don’t know what stuff like this feels any more – it used to be easier.

48. What do you like about yourself?
The fact that I’m not vain enough to answer this question. It’s for others to decide.

49. Piercings?
Need some guidance here – does helping someone lose their virginity count? I’m struggling.

50. Tattoos
Hell No!

51. Righty? or lefty?
→ Righty, though I confess, it’s been a while since I wrote anything by hand…

FIRSTS

52. First surgery?
Don’t remember much probably because of the next 7 that followed. But I remember Deborah – she was nice and she took care of me. I remember thinking it must be really good to bang her in her nurses uniform…

53. First piercing
See number 49 above.

54. First best friends
Jamo. Still hang out until now.

55. First sport you joined?
Football of course.

56. First pet?
Please – no animals.

57. First vacation?
Mombasa…stayed at Whitesands hotel…and that was a long long time ago.

58. First concert?
Opening concert for Kasarani Sports Complex before some nutcase named it the Moi International Sports Centre. It was just before the 1987 All Africa games and the headline acts were Jermaine Jackson and Franco and his TPOK Jazz band. Also had my first kiss that night – met the girl there and we hang out the whole time together. I remember she was a year older than I was.

59. First crush?
Not telling, she’s on my FB friends list and probably reads this blog…LOL!

60. Eating?
Nothing, but I had a bacon sandwich earlier.

61. Drinking?
Fizzy water.

62. Already missing?
Arsenal playing twice a week. The world cup is not the same – club football is the bread and butter and lifeline for my Arsenalitis disease.

63. I’m about to?
Go back to what I was doing before I started this crazy list.

64. Listening to?
Nothing. →

65. Thinking about?
The next business activity after Project A is up and running.

66. Waiting for?
The second knock out round of the world cup when the chaff is separated from the wheat and we can start watching football proper.

YOUR FUTURE :

67. Want kids?
Already have one – but will think about more.

68. Want to get married?
LOL! Too late.

69. Careers in mind?
Anything away from the rat race. I love my freedom and flexibility and harmony.

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?

70. Lips or eyes?
Lips for sure – nyonyarable lips like Natalie Imbruglia’s lips. If I was to be honest, I’m a breast man myself….not too big, just nice and supple and easily fits the hand….but I digress…LOL! Lips will have to do. 

71. Hugs or kisses?
This is one of them functional questions that you see how it goes…LOL! But I don’t go around hugging people for the sake of it…its damn hard work.

72. Shorter or taller?
Not fussed.

73. Older or Younger?
Not fussed as I’ve buttered both sides of this slice, Age isn’t an issue believe me.

74. Romantic or spontaneous?
LOL! Wait till you get to my age.

75. Nice stomach or nice arms?
No breasts?

76. Sensitive or loud?
Sensitive rules.

77. Hook-up or relationship?
Are you trying to get me divorced?

78. Trouble maker or hesitant?
Trouble maker…

HAVE YOU EVER :

79. Drank hard liquor?
Is that what it was?

80. Lost glasses/contacts?
Don’t need them.

81. Had sex on 1st date?
Yes. And you know what I don’t get – it’s this “I can’t fuck someone on the first date nonsense”. What’s the point in waiting if you’ve already decided – and believe me, girls already put you in a zone within 5 minutes…LOL! “He’s a no no”, or “Hmm!, he’s got game…let’s see” or “But of course”…

This not doing it on a first date thing to protect my modesty and respect nonsense just amuses me…bang the bastard already.

82. Broken someone’s heart?
Yes. It wasn’t going to work.

83. Had your own heart broken ?
Yes. Should have never got in…LOL! She was poison (not in that nasty way…) – we’re still buddies but she was the ladies equivalent of a ‘bad boy’.

84. Been arrested?
This is arguable and I plead the 5th.

85. Turned someone down?
Yes…I was once proposed to live on an internet forum…very embarrassing considering who else was reading that stuff…LOL Funny that I’ve actually met the girl and we’re good friends.

86. Cried when someone died?
Is this another trick question?

87. Liked a friend that of the same sex?
You’re fucking kidding me, right? DO

YOU BELIEVE IN:

88. Yourself?
If I don’t, who will?

89. Miracles?
Yes.

90. Love at first sight?
No, lust at first sight has some mileage.

91. Heaven
I’ll pass on this one.

92. Santa Clause?
LOL – Hell no.

93. Kiss on the first date?
If you don’t get one on the first date, then it was a really bad day at the office. Otherwise it wasn’t a date.

94. Angels?
Guardian angels are all around us.

95. Is there one person you want to be with right now?
Can I plead the 5th amendment here?

96. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time?
That would be telling…

97. Wish you could change things in your past?
Never going to happen, let’s move on.

98. Are you posting this as 100 Truths
99. What, we’ve run out of questions? You still haven’t told me what happened to no. 3 and no. 24.? → Yup!

100. Where are you right now?
In my home-office.

I think it might be a good idea to get back to work now….it was a nice break.

Wonders never cease to amaze.

I guess in business this would be lauded as innovation.

But hey! This NGO charity thing seems to be the new thing on the block. Let’s all get out there and help the poor helpless Africans…

Maybe I’m just getting too old.

So a few weeks ago while relaxing with some friends, I was asked to consider talking some sense into a dead beat dad – who for all intents and purposes, had left a poor girl at the traffic lights, literally holding the baby.

I guess I was only asked when it turned out that I actually went to high school with the said dead beat dad. You’ll be surprised how 6 degrees of separation can make the world smaller than it really seems.

I think we were talking about how kids change people’s lives – and one conversation too many ended up with the story of my former schoolmate. The said girl abandoned at the traffic lights is his ex-missus, so you can just picture where this conversation went short of wishing that she had actually been with us at the time.

I’ll plead the 5th amendment right here on going into the specific story of this couple for the simple reason that there’s a very high possibility that they will be directed to read this post.

I don’t consider myself a marriage counsellor, but for what it’s worth, I thought that this once, I’d provide a public service based on my experience and that of my peers. If it helps even one girl to make better choices in men – or convinces even one other guy to take care of responsibilities, then the post is most definitely worth my time.

It’s certainly easier than sitting down to talk sense to – you know who.

Girls, here’s 5 Stone Cold sure fire ways to identify a dead beat dad from a mile off.

1. Follow your instincts

God gave you instinct to protect you from the evil in this world. Use the damn instincts and save yourself from the world.

The best advice you can ever get is not to get yourself into certain situations especially when all your faculties are telling you that it’s plain madness. Your body is wired to be selective and to use any stimuli it can to detect what is inherently dangerous for you.

You have signs all over that only you choose to ignore – habits, what he says, what he does, the choices he makes, the risks he takes – even his scent gives you an indication about how dangerous the proposition is.

Let’s get one thing out of the way – you’re not going to totally avoid danger. There’s no such thing as zero risk. Everything you do is risky.

Even for a guy, looking at a girl’s ass is risky because it presents options not previously available. For a girl, the risks are different. I’m just saying listen to your instincts and minimize that risk.

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When chatting to a good friend on new year’s day, I asked how her daughter was, and at first, it seemed that the question had dampened her spirits.

“Darius, she’s in secondary school now”, was the subdued answer and it was quickly followed by a resigned “Dude – it’s official, we’re old”.

But even after we both cracked out laughing, the thought lingered and you begin to take stock. I guess that the main change in my life over the last several years is that some things have become more important than others and you tend to prioritize better and focus on what’s important. What hasn’t changed though is the ability for nostalgia to hit you hard enough to make you home sick especially with the sub zero temperatures and snow storms that box you in the house and makes you ask that dreaded “what am I really doing here” question.

It made me think of the good old days growing up and enjoying some of the simplest and most cherishable moments life will ever present.

Don’t know about some readers up in here, but there were times when 5 bob could take you a long long way back in the day. My dad used to give us 5 bob a day and that would cover bus fare to and from school, a soda and a snack of some sort (usually quarter bread bandika) for lunch, and you’d still have left over change to buy roast maize with pili pili or patcos to carry you through the evening.

Long before the advent of satellite TV with over 20 exclusive movie channels, local entertainment back then was fronted by public service open air movie services like Tazama Mobile Cinema pitched up in an open field once a month to bring to you the blockbuster of the day. They had this strange habit though, of commentating the movie as it went on in a manner that was as equally funny as it was annoying.

Speaking of entertainment, there were classic shows that would definitely be in my DVD collection right now – From Vioja Mahakamani and the comical antics of the residents of Matopeni, to Vitimbi and the real celebrities like Othorong’ong’o and Masanduku (forget all these latter day celebs who think they’re celebs because…well, anything makes you a celeb these days). There were shows like Tushauriane that were banned outright because they showed a couple embracing and the chap started unblousing the girl. Or even the days when we didn’t have mobile phones and you had to walk a kilometre to the nearest phone box where there was a massive queue of all manner of people – and you’d be mad when your ‘girlfriend to be’ plays hard to get and pulls that stunt of asking you to call later because she’s watching No One But You or The Rich Also Cry. The ungrateful heifer – after all those hours you’ve waited in line to make that call….LOL!

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“Dear God. All I ask you is to let me live for one more day, and I promise to do whatever you want. Just one more day and I promise I’ll never drink again. I don’t want to die like this”

That was my cousin JQ narrating to us his conversation with his God when he woke up in a sewerage gutter somewhere in Kayole estate. He doesn’t recall how he got there, but we all agreed it had to do with consuming copious amounts of alcohol, though the jury’s still out as to whether it was regulation booze or the kumi kumi variety from Mama Pima.

He vaguely remembers sounds of people and one or two cars passing by, but not much else apart from the realisation that he didn’t want to die. It sounds tragic, but his narration of this near death experience was too hilarious – and JQ was compelled to divulge all after he declined a routine 3rd round of booze as we sat outside a bar in Hurlingham some time back. JQ is not one to turn down a drink, but he was already uneasy about us being there. You see, he’s the sort of chap who’s conscience doesn’t tolerate paying a price for a beer that you can get cheaper elsewhere.

His protest was clearly visible each time the waiter brought a round of drinks and he quickly grabbed the bill before reminding us “majamaa, hizi pombe na weza sakanya 33 bob kule kwa mahindi” (Guys, I can hustle this booze for 33 bob in the maize plantations). At one point, he actually challenged the waiter to clarify whether the figure on the receipt was the actual bill or a phone number.

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Train journeys can be as much of a pain as they are comical. There are indeed some strange characters who frequent this mode of transport, and perhaps I should include myself in this category. My M.O is straight forward – get comfortable, hook on the IPOD and resurface when the announcement for my station blasts over the tanoi. I don’t blame anyone for considering this anti-social, but my defence is that it’s probably the most normal thing to do considering I didn’t get on a train to meet people and chin wag the way to my destination.

Sometimes you just want some quiet and some private head space to contemplate stuff. Usually, it’s taxi drivers who can’t get the concept of leaving a passenger alone wanting to eagerly chat to you about everything from the weather to the problems that immigrants are bringing to the beloved British isles. Every once in a while though, you’re forced to become a third party to a telephone conversation on the train that let’s face it, you really don’t want to be part of.

I took my seat across the table from a “quietish” young woman who was busy reading some magazine or something. Even when the conductor approached us for tickets, she was very soft spoken when responding and asking about something or the other. The hits started rolling when her phone violently vibrated on the table and started ringing.

I don’t know what it was that ticked me off instantly. Maybe it was the fact that she left it there wringing for what seemed to be ages so that we could hear the hideous song that was her ring tone, or the fact that it was so loud, I’m sure you could hear it from outside even if the diesel powered train swept past you at 120 miles an hour.

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If there’s one thing I envy about living back home, it’s the options available to any working family to get an affordable house help or maid, more popularly known as a mboch. Having a live in house help out here could easily cost you the better part of your salary after tax – and for most of us, we have to make do with tackling those oh so unwanted chores , come rain shine or snow.

You see, some of the most drama generating issues for any couple are the mundane things like who does what in the house from washing the toilets and changing diapers, to mowing the lawn and scrubbing the pots and pans. They say it’s the stuff relationships are made of, but in the same token, it’s most definitely the stuff drama is made of. Of course, it doesn’t help that you’re both probably busting a gut at work to make ends meet, and there’s a small matter of kids who might not see things as you see them when it comes to being reasonable.

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One thing that riles any boss, especially during times of economic hardship, is providing unnecessary concessions or time off to their most expensive resource, their staff. It’s the age old battle of an employer who tries to get the most out of an employee at the least possible cost, and an employee who is determined to get the most reward for the least amount of work.

I first came across this memo from an employer to his employee years and years ago, and hadn’t seen it again until this week – and thought it was still an excellent piece of diplomacy. I must remind myself to use it some time.

MEMORANDUM

From: Team Leader

To: (Enter employee’s name here)

Subject: Your request for a day off work

Thank you for submitting a request for a day off work. I’m concerned though, that you haven’t looked at things from my point of view, so I think it’s important to examine what you’re asking for.

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