I have a deep rooted cynicism for politics, notwithstanding the fact that I don’t trust politicians as far as I could spit the fuckers.

You always know it’s election season when they start gallivanting around the UK purporting to reach out to the Kenyan Diaspora and pretend they care. It’s the twisted rendition of them visiting rural areas to hand out lessos and bags of sugar to the hapless electorate who are supposed to be thankful that the politicians are coming to their village to listen to them.

I mean, these are the same folk who literally hijack burial services because it’s one of the most sure fire ways of reaching a captive audience. They don’t even give a damn about the deceased and instead shamelessly preach their tribalistic nonsense.

The game has changed with dual citizenship a reality. It gives politicians access to campaign funds from Diasporans abroad desperate to maintain a link with politics at home. It gives them potential access to votes if the Independent Electoral and Boundaries Commission can get its shit together. It gives them a platform to spew their diatribe and tired political messages.

Kalonzo Musyoka is already at it with his entourage of dodgy ministerial lackeys and civil servants. And guess what their carrot is. Kenyans in the Diaspora should lobby for a seat in parliament.

Forgive my cynicism, but if the Vice President was serious about representation of Diasporans in the Kenyan parliament, he should have pushed for the creation of such a presence before the constitution was sealed.

What point is there jerking off excitable Kenyans in the Diaspora with the tantalizing prospect of a seat in parliament instead of presenting it as a bill for law change in the said parliament and having it debated. The parliament building is in down town Nairobi and not in East London.

All Kalonzo and other politicians and their hapless bus boys and girls are interested in is exerting influence over the Diaspora to gain advantage before the election next year.

The Vice President should stop being a manipulative punk and stop taking people for idiots. The government can’t even sort out the issues around the ICC and the criminal case against the Occampo 6, and he’s here promising a seat in parliament for the hundreds of thousands of Kenyans abroad? Does he think we walked into this election season from the cotton fields?

The irony is that Kenyans abroad are directly responsible for 5.3% of Kenya’s Gross Domestic Product. That’s a budget segment even bigger than the budget of most ministries in government. And all the punk can offer is a single solitary seat in parliament? What’s he going to give us next, a meal for our Diaspora MP every time he or she attends parliament?

If Kalonzo wants to impress us, get the president and prime minister to create a full blown ministry of Diaspora affairs to channel the human, social and financial capital and absolute clout that Kenyans abroad can bring to bear for the development of the country. You don’t need any Kenyans in the Diaspora to lobby that one for you – you’re the vice president, convince your bosses.

Kalonzo should stop this cheap ass politicking and cock teasing of Kenyans in some back water in East London. Go back home and get us some real shit in government.

And in case you were wondering where my contempt for Kenyan politicians comes from, have a look at this article I wrote quite a while back about the Rapists Of The Kenyan Spirit. Believe me, these guys don’t do themselves any justice – but I have to tell you, I blame all of us Kenyans for collective gross negligence and deriliction of our civic responsibilities by the reckless and irresponsible way we keep voting these punks into parliament.

And don’t forget the shot gun wedding that Kibaki and Raila had to endure. we still don’t know who’s children will survive this marriage..

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Loss leading is as old as the concept of marketing itself. Whether it’s the freebies provided to promote a new lager at the local bar, or the free samples of cosmetics and fragrances dished out at beauty stores, or the good old fashioned buy one get one free – inducement to invite custom are part and parcel of our business world.

It’s unsurprising then, to find a storm brewing between groups of commercial sex workers in Copenhagen and the Mayor’s office who are determined that none of the working girls are going to have an early Christmas. What with the whole world descending on Copenhagen, it’s naive at best to assume that horizontal refreshments aren’t part and parcel of the ’entertainment package’ available to delegates at the climate and environment conference just beginning in the Danish capital. Just because it’s not on the official programme doesn’t mean that it’s not available.

So when the Copenhagen Mayor’s office issues a formal communiqué that blatantly says ”Be Sustainable, Don’t Buy Sex” and distributes it to hotels, the response from representative groups of the working girls is emphatic.

Conference delegates who show the official “Anti-prostitution postcards” being distributed at the conference and in hotels, in conjunction with their official conference delegates ID cards – are being offered free sexual services as a retaliatory measure against the move by the Mayor’s office.

A spokeswoman from SIO, a sex workers interest organization says:

”It’s completely discriminatory. Ritt Bjerregaard the Mayor is abusing her position when she uses her power to prevent us from carrying out our legal work. I don’t understand how she can be allowed to contact people in this way – we have to defend ourselves.”

It wasn’t so long ago that Jackie Selebi, the South African Police Commissioner urged the South African government to legalize prostitution for the duration of the FIFA 2010 World Cup. Not surprisingly, Selebii’s ‘pragmatism’ as some would say was totally laughed out of the room into the media circles, despite the validity of the argument that the Police should be “policing” the crowds and not focussing stretched resources on vice duties.

Sometimes, morality has no place in situations where practical solutions are needed to manage unsolvable practical problems, and let’s face it, the Copenhagen conference, and the 2010 World cup for that matter is like Christmas, Easter, 4 leap year birthdays and the lotto all rolled into one for a commercial sex worker. There are some things that are simply unpoliceable when supply meets demand if you will.

You can understand why both sides fight their corner though – and why the police helplessly look on.

I’ve made a point though of maintaining my inherent cynicism about this week’s environment and climate conference in Copenhagen. In March, I wrote the article Environmental fascism in its element – Doomsayers are at it again.

In the March article, I conclude that if there’s one thing I’ve come to understand (and something that acts as another contributor to my cynicism) about this environmental fascism, it boils down to the ability to pay salaries and pay mortgages for all these environmental activists. All the focus and enthusiasm and passion and whatever you can call it about the cause for environmentalism, is simply a cover for a direct route to government funding and donor funding for the environment. The environment and lobbying about global warming is a fashion statement for the next decade. In the 70’s women’s liberation was fashionable, in the 80s race relations was fashionable, in the 90s it was all about the gay and lesbian movement, this decade disability rights has become the new gay, and next decade, watch out for the fair trade consuming, bicycle riding, garbage recycling tree huggers.

For one, it’s hard to take anything that happens in the conference seriously if you consider that the Russian security services are being suspected for leaking ’toxic’ (forgive the pun) e-mails being bandied around – totally discrediting the whole environmental movement. Have all these scientist been lying to us about global warming all these years, or are the KGB back to their old tricks. It’s no wonder the sex workers in Copenhagen are seeing the event as pay day and nothing to do with our environment.

A quick scan through history provides a fascinating insight into the downfall of some of yesteryear’s (well – centuries really) global powers and their gradual and sometimes dramatic fall from grace.

Take for example, the Order of the Knights Templar – arguably the world’s first multi-national corporation who were pretty much responsible for inventing the banking system. They may have had their day between the 12th and 14th centuries – but during their time, they wielded unprecedented power through their economic resources that would rival the combined economic power of the so called G8. Of course they had their very own militia to boot, who operated with the ruthlessness of any fighting force known to man – but we’re not going to suggest that these “soldiers of the temple” were a bunch of thugs sanctioned by the Catholic church now, are we?

Fast forward to the 19th century and a bizarre, outlandish and surreal gathering by some European folks in Berlin in 1886 decided – “You know what, fuck it! We’re not going to survive out here going on like this – let’s all head out to Africa, colonize the bastards, and chop it up and divide it among ourselves. May the best country win”…hence the rise of the British Empire (and the rest of them of course)…

Like with many dynasties and empires, the Order of the Knights Templar and the British Empire have some common threads – their fall from grace was both inevitable and incredible, but more so, their downfall was driven by the fact that they were no longer relevant and were past their sell by date.

In the case of the Knights Templars, a clearly vindictive King Phillip of France used weaknesses stemming from the continued irrelevance of the templars to finish them off. Granted, there was a small matter of the King being indebted up to his eyeballs to the templars who financed his various unsuccessful wars (George Bush comes to mind here) against the British – and arresting them, torturing them, charging them pretty much with blasphemy and treason and killing them by roasting them on a stake – clearly provided a creative solution to sort his debts out. (*Makes a mental note that there are other ways of settling issues with creditors apart from paying them*)

In the case of the British empire, it became untenable that such a small island would continue to conquer the world and plunder the colonies in search of resources and raw materials to sustain their livelihoods. My only issue with the fall of the British empire is that there’s a wide spread myth that on the exit of the colonial masters, African countries actually achieved independence. “Independence from what?”, I normally ask. In Kenya’s case for example, all that happened on that cold December night in 1963 was that power passed from one set of seasoned thugs to another more unsavoury and locally bred bunch of bandits masquerading as freedom fighters.

I digress, but my point is – empires and world orders crumble because they’re no longer relevant in any given age. Fast forward again to this here world of ours in 2009, and the lessons history has taught us have come to play again.

The G8, in my view, a self imposed cabal of dodgy imperialists who decided to usurp the democratic space of the UN and impose themselves to the world as the giver and taker on the basis of their economic power – has had their time.

There was a time that they could claim that their economies warranted their exclusive club status, but like President Lula daSilva of Brazil recently undiplomatically articulated – “Have you seen an Indian or a black man having the power and resources to cause damage to the world economy? This mess was caused by blue eyed white people who think they know everything”. He was of course talking about the current global economic crisis.

The global financial crisis has not spared any of the so called developed countries. In fact, some are at the brink of negotiating with the IMF to bail them out. Mind you, this is an institution that the cabal members put in place without much thought to “sort” out the developing world – and created a culture that saw any country receiving money from the IMF as a pariah. The others have resorted to printing new money to buy out the radio-active assets that got us into this mess – but of course, they’ll call it quantitative easing or something fancy like that. Ask Robert Mugabe and he’ll tell you “those bastards are printing money like I did, don’t let them lie to you”…

. Now that the only justifiable basis for this cabal of 8 to exist has been removed out of the equation, you’ve got to ask yourself why they should even be taken seriously. They don’t have the economic power that they justified their existence as an exclusive club with.

Take the example of the last G8 meeting where the cabal sang to anyone who would listen that they had resolved to save the world’s environment, they had continued with their commitment to save Africa from itself, and had got Russia and America talking again.

Well, at least they decided to seriously examine cutting green house gas emissions in half by 2050. Any seasoned diplomat will tell you “seriously examine” is a euphemism for “let’s kick this fucker into the long grass”.

As for Africa and aid, don’t get me started. It’s tragic enough that the destiny of a whole continent is pinned on the eloquence and campaigning skills of ageing rock stars like Bono and Bob “give us your fucking money” Geldof – all the cabal decided to do was reiterate their commitment to supporting aid efforts in Africa. Talk about a broken record.

As for Russia and America talking – I guess the other European countries in the G8 have to make themselves look busy and relevant and force themselves as mediators. Besides, if they don’t, someone might notice that Brazil, Russia, India and China actually have more clout than they do on global economic and political matters.

When times were hard, a tactical move saw the emergence of the G20 with their first main summit recently in London. However, the talking shop that it was won’t change the fact that the entire continent of Africa was not properly represented at this jaunt. For good measure of course, they threw in a lame duck South African caretaker President so that they can tell the world “lookey right here – we have some folks from Africa too”….and there was one chap from NEPAD too – but if anyone needed an indication that Africa needs to take itself seriously and sort out its own issues, then here you are.

Gadaffi for all his longevity and staleness in political office may have been on to something when his first rallying call as AU president was for the formation of the United States of Africa. Set aside what you think of this old geezer, but there’s a visionary in this guy.

Clearly there’s a hell of a lot of distance still between the rhetoric of a United States of Africa and the reality of our dodgy and thug life leadership that sometimes makes you feel some African leaders should just be put into one stadium and shot.

However, there’s still a significant amount of merit in aspiring for more effective economic and political integration within Africa and for African leaders to be visionary enough to see the solutions to the continents problems as coming from within. A good start are the regional blocks like the EAC, ECOWAS and SADEC – but first, they have to work for the people within their regions, and I’m sure we all have a story about them.

I forget again why I was writing this article….Yeah! The agriculture ministers of the G8 countries are getting together to thrash out a solution to the pending world food crisis. Of course they’ll throw in someone from South Africa or something for good measure and maybe a stooge from a related UN agency to do some administration and follow up.

Don’t be surprised if all that happens is that a solution for Africa to whole heartedly embrace genetically modified food is presented as a saviour to this crisis. Nothing at all to do with pushing the corporate agendas of multi-nationals like Monsanto who have a bit of bad press out west and need a new market…God forbid, that would be immoral (*he says with some sarcasm*)

How about stopping farm subsidies that allow cheap European produce to flood developing countries and wipe out any chance of the African farmer to get something for their wares in a fair market? Maybe they’ll get a chance to survive enough to grow their own food to eat.

Today marks the first anniversary of the shot gun wedding that the Kenyan political establishment was dragged into, kicking and screaming. The choices following the chaos of the discredited 2007 general election ranked somewhere between impossible and improbable, and if only to stop the killing, violence and lawlessness, the two main protagonists had little choice but to commit to political matrimony.

If it wasn’t tragic enough, you could almost picture it:

Kenyan President Mwai Kibaki

To the left of the proverbial priest, a jaded and tired looking Emilio Mwana wa Kibaki, wearing the mystified face of a misguided, power-hungry incumbent – who’s eyes tell a tragic story of a shell shocked and politically disenfranchised character who stares blankly in wonderment about how things could have got so bad. If they could speak, Emilio’s eyes could have been heard constantly asking “They told me wananchi would complain for a few days then we’ll be back to Kazi iendelee. What the hell happened?”

Kenyan Prime Minister Raila Odinga

To the right, a bitter and frustrated Raila Odinga who feels that he’s been violently robbed of his date with destiny as the leader of a people. A man who has only to look in the mirror to recognize the contempt he holds for his partner in matrimony that lurks beneath the surface and is only held back by the desperation to salvage a justifiable sense of political restitution for an election he believes he has just won.

Former UN Secretary General Kofi Annan

Lurking in the shadows, the ever humble and diplomatic Kofi Annan, with the clear bulge of a heavy duty shot gun struggling to wrestle out of his immaculate suit. A man who’s biggest regret while Secretary General of the UN was that the Rwandan genocide took place on his watch and the UN apparatus was powerless to stop it or influence other players to stop the genocide. A man who’s face shows a steely determination of someone who has been given a second chance to redeem himself and will stop at nothing to ensure that what happened in Rwanda is not repeated in Kenya.

As Kibaki and Odinga take their vows, a representative congregation of an entire people of a nation watch with bated breath. They watch in anticipation hoping for an immediate cessation of violence. They watch and hope that the killing and mutilation will stop. They watch and hope that the gang rape and horrific violation of women and young girls will stop. They watch and hope that the country does not sink further into tribally fuelled anarchy.

Desperate father scrambling for safety with his 2 children through burning rubble during the post election violence on Jan 2nd 2008 in Mathare Slums.

One year on, has the marriage worked?

The blunt answer to that is Absolutely Not! The Kenyan leadership spearheaded by both Kibaki and Odinga has illustrated a spectacular level of incompetence that at best, is laughable, and at worst, tragic.

In fact, I’ll go as far as saying that the continued leadership of these two characters and their grand coalition government are a direct threat to the existence of the Kenyan society as we know it.

To illustrate my point, I’d like to take a step back and revisit some of the key issues that led us to where we are.

Many observers acknowledge that the discredited 2007 election was most certainly a trigger to the violence that was unleashed on Kenyans – where neighbours turned on each other, lawlessness became a cottage industry, over 1000 people lost their lives and hundreds of thousands were displaced from their homes.

However, before the 2007 election, all the ingredients of the dynamics of a classic civil war were already in place.

• The ethnic fragmentation caused by the 1992 and 1997 clashes in Rift Valley and the Coast province, as well as other pockets within the country.
• Long overdue constitutional reforms.
• Decades of flawed and failed policies that affected the livelihoods of huge sections of the population.
• Historical injustices and land grievances.
• Colonial legacies that encouraged and supported tribal politics in favour of nationalist politics as a divide and rule tactic.
• Wide spread poverty and economic inequalities
• Media hyperbole and irresponsible and unaccountable broadcasting.
• A betrayal of the hopes of the people by the NARC government elected in 2002 on a reform agenda.

Two things are quite disturbing at this point in time.

Firstly, none of the above historical and long term reforms have been addressed. The failed experiment of the grand coalition government has done nothing to give Kenyans any expectation that this lot of discredited leaders can run a bath or organize an empty drawer if their lives depended on it.

Secondly, despite the unanimous calls for change in leadership of a generational kind, there are few, if any, viable alternatives to the leaders in place at the moment.

On the first issue, it’s only a matter of time before another trigger unleashes the worst violence that Kenyans have ever seen. We console ourselves by rationalizing that we have learnt lessons from the violence of 2008, but clearly – the leadership have resorted to their own devices and are blissfully ignoring the ticking time bomb their sitting on and fuelling with their total disregard of the wishes of their electorate.

A brief lesson into the history and chronology of the Rwandan genocide will aptly illustrate how it’s possible for the seeds of a human catastrophe to be sown while we bury our heads in the sand and pretend that what happened in Rwanda will never happen to Kenya. The comparisons of the two scenarios are not far off by any measure.

On the second issue of lack of a viable leadership alternative – there is an unacceptable vacuum in leadership that exists because the next generation have not stepped up to the plate for whatever reason. A “every person for him/herself” unpatriotic attitude” – or the absolute fear of harm and retaliation, political assassinations and extra judicial killings unleashed by the old guard and the establishment on some younger upcoming leaders who have tried – may have put promising leaders off.

But leadership is not just needed in politics, it’s needed in enterprise, in public service administration, in health and social care, in development and in many other disciplines that are essential to keep the country ticking over day by day.

The revolution needed in Kenya to return the country back to the citizens who own it is made even more complicated by the fact that the old guard in power right now have blatantly illustrated the impunity by which they are going to cling to power by all means necessary – and if we want our country back, we’re going to have to take it back because the only exit strategy the old guard know is the kind that permanently relocates them 6 feet underground in a wooden box.

In an early episode of the fictional hit TV drama The West Wing, the show’s President Jed Bartlett vents his fury at his Director of Intelligence. In the plot of this particular episode, the intelligence folks fail to pick up hundreds of thousands of Indian troops and their war machinery marching aggressively towards the Kashmiri Pakistani border in a clearly provocative move that will not bode well for the two nuclear armed neighbours.

In disbelief, Jed Bartlett angrily berates his intelligence chief by pointing out that his motorcade can’t move from K Street in the middle of DC to Connecticut without being picked up on a weather satellite. Aaron Sorkin and his production team obviously did their research well in coming up with a realistic depiction of the plot that is the challenging project of moving the most powerful man in the world from location A to location B.

Last night, London was treated to the real life rendition of this project when the US secret service pretty much commandeered central London to ensure that their boss had his “customary” no nonsense protection as he made his first long haul trip across the Atlantic. The RAF Northolt airbase, the UK’s equivalent of Andrews in Maryland (which normally hosts dignitaries and royalty), clearly wasn’t up to the job of hosting this circus and Stansted got the honour of going out of business for a little while as it hosted Airforce 1. The reality and sheer magnitude of the project of protecting President Obama and his wife is undoubtedly a more challenging proposition than the plot predicted in the TV series.

President Obama and First lady Michelle acknowledge well wishers as they disembark off Air Force 1 at Stansted Airport

Nevertheless, it’s hard to fail to admire the determination of the circus mentality shown by the American establishment as they lap up the opportunity to show the world that they’re the best at what they do, especially when it comes to protecting the big fella from Pennsylvania Avenue. To illustrate the sheer magnitude of this American circus, here are some facts about the project of Obama’s G20 trip:

• Obama is travelling with an estimated 500 to 600 personnel in his entourage. They won’t confirm the exact number as the mystery obviously adds to the spectacle of the circus.
• 200 of the folks travelling with him are secret service officers to cover the protection detail for him and his wife. One wonders how the rest of the entourage will be kept busy in Europe in the next 5 days.
• Apart from Airforce 1 and the second identical Boeing 747 that normally travels with the official plane as a decoy, Obama’s fully loaded Marine 1 helicopter is in town, together with the 2 or 3 equally loaded helicopters that fly together as decoys. The idea being no one really knows which plane he’s on. Clearly, they’ve been advised well on London traffic nightmares and he’s lucky he can afford using a helicopter around the capital to avoid the traffic.
• The beast is also in town to move him around where it’s not practical to use Marine 1. You can’t help but be fascinated with the sheer madness of this vehicle aptly named the beast. Apparently, apart from the out of this planet armoury that this limo has(most of which will make James Bond’s Aston Martin look like a rickshaw from a century ago), it’s also a moving hospital that carries oxygen as well as bottles of the president’s blood, not withstanding that there’s always a fully loaded ambulance in his motorcade.
• His 500 strong entourage also got to dodge the London traffic as they too have their fleet of American military Chinook helicopters to hop on to like the boss

Aside from the arrival circus witnessed by many well wishers waving the stripes and stars at Stansted airport, the most secure piece of real estate on the planet as of last night was Winfield House in Regents Park in central London. The private residence of the American Ambassador is sprawled over 12 acres and has the second largest private garden in London after Buckingham Palace. No problem there for the entourage to pitch up tents if they had to.

It’s a scene also reminiscent of an episode in the last season of the TV hit West Wing, where Matt Santos, the Latino presidential candidate causes a logistical nightmare when he decides to pop home for dinner and the secret service have to take over an entire suburban neighbourhood lock stock and barrel. Needless to say, the neighbours are least pleased as they pretty much have to provide their grandparent’s DNA profile (not literally – but you get the picture of course) to enter their homes, and Santos has to apologize about the circus to his wife Helen, who’s only comfort is the acknowledgement that at least they’re in the most secure neighbourhood in Texas if only for the night.

As a side note – it was interesting to note that the whole character of Matt Santos, the fictional Latino President in the TV hit The West Wing was inspired by the real life political story of Barrack Obama. Eli Adi and the West Wing writing team had the dilemma of not having a precedent to base a non-white presidential candidate on as part of the show’s plot. It was only after Obama’s stomp speech at the 2004 Democratic Convention in Boston in support of John Kerry, that the writers and producers homed in on the Obama inspiration for Santos’ character…..but clearly, I digress here….

So, is the circus in London going to be worth it?

We’ll see after the pomp and ceremony of the tea and reception with Aunt Liz and Uncle Phil at Buckingham Palace, and the Jamie Oliver dinner later in the evening being prepared for the heads of state at Downing Street (well, that’s if Jamie’s heavily pregnant wife doesn’t go into labour – otherwise it’s the local take away for the big fellas).

Incidentally, the spouses of the heads of state don’t get to eat with the big boys at the high table. They get relegated to the long grass of the back room dining areas with the consolation of a few celebs like JK Rawling, Dame Kelly Holmes and Naomi Campbell thrown in for a spectacle. Funny, if I was cynical, I would suggest that the inclusion of black celebs in the dinner for the first ladies is an obvious stunt to make Michelle feel less awkward (would they do that….Nooooo!). Barrack doesn’t have an identity problem and doesn’t need props seeing that he’s the X Factor that is calling the shots – it comes with being the most powerful man in the world. The folks out back are still figuring out how to handle Michelle, but yet again, I digress.

To the more serious matter of the jaunt at the Excel Centre on Thursday where the hopes of the world’s economic future is pinned on a 4 and a half hour G20 meeting. Will they achieve anything of substance? Absolutely not! As they’ll say, it’s a step in the right direction and we’re focused on stimulating the economy, in regulation and in making the IMF almighty and all powerful so that they can screw up developing countries even more.

Brazilian President Lula daSilva will still go back home blaming the blue eyed white folk for having fixed nothing after their breath taking and spectacular incompetence in screwing up the world’s economy, the Metropolitan Police and British Security Services will have spent £20 million in the security operation of the decade (it will be a good dry run for the 2012 Olympics though – but an expensive dry run all the same), and the biggest spectacle will be the numerous battles with the street protestors of different persuasion – from fair trade consuming, tree hugging, environmental mercenaries, to those convinced that this is the perfect opportunity to kill capitalism, to folks just pissed off that they don’t have jobs.

My personal opinion is that if any of these leaders had any vision of changing life permanently for generations to come, they’d actually kick this talk of fixing the world economy in 4 hours into the long grass and be bold enough to conclude the Doha round of world trade talks that would ensure free trade without protectionism and ridiculous tariffs that hit the poorest countries in the world.

All signatures needed for this will be in the room – the question is that of whether they’ll have the balls to do it and fix, as Lula daSilva says, the mess caused by greedy blue eyed white folk.

It’s always difficult to tell which is the more stressful or humiliating – the fact that your hubby has been watching dirty old hard core porn, and probably playing with his tojjer, while you’re away working hard for the bacon, or the fact that the drama of him being a naughty boy is played out on a national and possibly international stage.

I must admit, I’m not a fan of Jacqui Smith, the UK Home Secretary, but even a stone cold approach to some issues in life doesn’t stop me from empathizing with her, regardless of the spectacular stupidity of this matter. Deep down she must be wondering what the fuck hit her as she looks in the mirror and tries to contemplate whether to castrate her husband for the public humiliation, or whether to cry because of the heartbreak.

Home Secretary Jacqui Smith leaving for a very long day at work

Clearly, the irony of the timing of the leak about her expenses claim that paid for pornographic movies with tax payers money isn’t past the cynical mind of someone from the enemy camp with excellent sabotage skills. I don’t think its coincidence that the leak comes just before one of Jacqui’s biggest moments on the international political stage, as she prepares her security apparatus to host probably the most powerful 20 leaders in the world in London. Apparently, MP’s now want the Police to investigate who leaked her dirty old secret out – are they afraid their skeletons are coming out next?

Gordon her boss must be thinking – “The damn bastards”. If it’s not enough that he’s gallivanting the world in an attempt to rally G20 folks into buying his global financial master plan, the enemy has to unleash this madness onto the stage.

Gordon Brown’s job already looks like a lost cause that is tantamount to him trying to herd cats, but this Jacqui Porngate affair is just the stuff that comedy is made of.

As for Jacqui’s hubby Dick, it looks like he’ll have to do with the sofa for a while as she cools off. I don’t know which is actually more stupid on his part – Watching hardcore porn on the family TV pay per view account, or getting caught by stupidly letting his wife claim the cost of the porn movies from tax payers, lest she asks why she shouldn’t be claiming it and he has to admit that he’s been a naughty boy.

Jacqui Smith’s husband Richard Timney apologizing to the media for his moment of madness

He’ll probably plead insanity and claim that she’s been starving him of his conjugal rights hence his creativity looking for alternative entertainment – but with a good stint on the sofa, chances are he’s not getting pussy for a while.

Either way, the biggest question in Britain right now is “What were those 2 porn movies that he watched?”. Talk about free advertising handed to the producers of the movies on a plate.