STONE COLD HAVEN

So a few weeks ago while relaxing with some friends, I was asked to consider talking some sense into a dead beat dad – who for all intents and purposes, had left a poor girl at the traffic lights, literally holding the baby.

I guess I was only asked when it turned out that I actually went to high school with the said dead beat dad. You’ll be surprised how 6 degrees of separation can make the world smaller than it really seems.

I think we were talking about how kids change people’s lives – and one conversation too many ended up with the story of my former schoolmate. The said girl abandoned at the traffic lights is his ex-missus, so you can just picture where this conversation went short of wishing that she had actually been with us at the time.

I’ll plead the 5th amendment right here on going into the specific story of this couple for the simple reason that there’s a very high possibility that they will be directed to read this post.

I don’t consider myself a marriage counsellor, but for what it’s worth, I thought that this once, I’d provide a public service based on my experience and that of my peers. If it helps even one girl to make better choices in men – or convinces even one other guy to take care of responsibilities, then the post is most definitely worth my time.

It’s certainly easier than sitting down to talk sense to – you know who.

Girls, here’s 5 Stone Cold sure fire ways to identify a dead beat dad from a mile off.

1. Follow your instincts

God gave you instinct to protect you from the evil in this world. Use the damn instincts and save yourself from the world.

The best advice you can ever get is not to get yourself into certain situations especially when all your faculties are telling you that it’s plain madness. Your body is wired to be selective and to use any stimuli it can to detect what is inherently dangerous for you.

You have signs all over that only you choose to ignore – habits, what he says, what he does, the choices he makes, the risks he takes – even his scent gives you an indication about how dangerous the proposition is.

Let’s get one thing out of the way – you’re not going to totally avoid danger. There’s no such thing as zero risk. Everything you do is risky.

Even for a guy, looking at a girl’s ass is risky because it presents options not previously available. For a girl, the risks are different. I’m just saying listen to your instincts and minimize that risk.

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For centuries, man has endeavoured to explain some of the mysteries of this here life of ours by resorting to the proverbial trinity of falsehoods – lies, damned lies and statistics. More recently, I remember my maths tutor in college suggesting that Statistics was a good major for those seeking to enter politics simply because you could use statistics to bullshit your way through anything.

I must admit, I have a fascination for statistical information often bandied around in the news media as they tell us something about how we live our lives. But it’s not often you come across a statistical claim that men on average, only purchase their own underwear for 17 years of their lives. This got me thinking. When was the last time I actually went out to buy new underwear? You know what, I honestly can’t remember.

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A debate has been raging this past week in the UK, about the role of men in the delivery room during childbirth. A renowned obstetrician Michel Odent has suggested that men should be kept well away from delivery rooms as they add little value to the process of childbirth.

Odent, a veteran who has overseen more than 15,000 deliveries in over 50 years says:

”I am more and more convinced that the participation of the father is one of the main reasons for long and difficult labours. A labouring woman needs to be protected against any stimulation of the thinking part of her brain – the neocortex – for labour to proceed with any
degree of ease. She needs to be in a private world where she doesn’t have to think or talk.

Yet, motivated by a desire to ‘share the experience’, the man asks questions and offers words of reassurance and advice, denying his partner the quiet mind that she needs. The father’s release of the stress hormone adrenaline as he watches his partner labour causes her anxiety, and prevents her from
Relaxing. No matter how much he tries to smile and appear relaxed, he cannot help but feel anxious. And the release of adrenaline is contagious.”

You see, my first encounter with the trauma of childbirth happened nowhere near a delivery room. Matter of fact, it happened at a social gathering while I attended some sort of party, I forget what the party was for, but I remember that I arrived late and was talked into having some dinner first before joining with the rough and tumble of the bash if you will.

The food was being served upstairs in the restaurant area and I ended up on the same table as a good friend of mine Bella, who had given birth less than 3 weeks earlier and was cuddling her little bundle of joy. While waiting for my food, I did what everyone who came through did – congratulated Bella, cuddled the baby myself and sang goo gaa songs as if the baby gave a fuck who I was. I of course questioned Bella about the father of the child coz’ this child was too cute to belong to her husband. I know him well, and G is one ugly son of a bitch.

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Impulse buying for me, has this ability to evoke certain blood thumping emotions. It must be a man thing – one of them that easily defines an exercise in futility if you try to understand it. There are certain conversations that trigger such emotions – say, like “let’s just pop into the supermarket for a sec and grab some things” or “I’m thinking of grabbing a few bits before we get home”. They have a similar effect to the male psyche when we hear statements like “we have to talk” or “sweetie, I missed my period” or “babes, you remember when I told you that…” – yeah! That kind of feeling.

So when a pit stop at a Tesco petrol station this week turned into a shopping expedition in the supermarket next door, my body defaulted to the “I don’t really wanna be hear” mode. There’s just something about shopping that repels my DNA, and while I accept that it’s a necessity in life, there’s a very big difference between picking a few bits and bobs and going out for “shopping”. I never really get to know how much drama is involved until that humongous trolley is pulled from the trolley parking zone and before I can even utter the words “do we really need this giant thing for a few bits”, there’s that almost dismissive “we’re here anyway, I think we should just do all the shopping now” response, served straight with her ‘“what you gon do’ face.

Well, one option is to go back to the car, roll the chair down and just sink off into the music, but once you’ve reached the stage of being at the supermarket door and seeing that ‘what you gon do’ face, you’ll swiftly rule out this option with a quick reminder not to get out of the car next time. Call it the pragmatism of maintaining world peace and harmony. But even then, world peace has its own casualties, and for me, its that nightmare of being in a mega store that I really don’t want to be in.

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I can think of any number of women I know who will scream “It’s about bloody time” when you confidently tell them that this time – the male contraceptive that is proving to be as good as the pill in preventing pregnancy is just round the corner – literally.

There’s been a number of hoaxes and false starts over the years, but scientists are apparently confident (like a scientist will ever admit that their experiment or project is a waste of space and doomed for failure) that within 5 years, the male contraceptive jab that they have been testing will be ready to give women a break from the responsibility of taking care of birth control.

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As a young girl, ask any seasoned mother for advice about boys and heartbreaks, and she’ll tell you with a tint of reflective self regret – “Avoid the pretty boys”. Now, I’m not advocating here for the paid up, card carrying members of the “Girl’s ignore me coz’ I’m ugly society”, but it’s a well known factor that pretty boys break hearts. Besides, its contestable too that pretty girls are made of angelic character(*he says waving a white handkerchief to some known usual suspects*), though it’s not arguable that folks are short changed all round based on looks.

Apparently, it’s now understood that adulterers are more likely to be driving flashy and expensive cars, and just like the pretty boys, they break hearts as those who hustle with good old fashioned bangers like Fords and Nissans feel just as short changed as ugly folks when it comes to pulling skirt.

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It was only a matter of time….LOL!

They start with pretences of applications that will be useful for straight forward things like finding out where your child is if they’re late from school, or informing a friend of your where-abouts if you’re somewhere strange…yada yada yada.

But Google wasn’t going to stop at zooming in on a village in rural Kenya with Google maps….Step in Google latitude. The absolute full proof way for the wife to find out whether a dodgy husband is with the “enemy”.

Who said James Bond was fiction – Read the story of the gadget that’s soon to take over from the vibrator as a girls secret best friend

Experience has shown that there are some statements that trigger absolute fear and paranoia in the male species when uttered or suggested by women.

Let me give you a few examples:

“When you look at me, what do you see?” – (Read: WTF! What the hell do you want from me)
“Sweetie, we’ve got to talk…I missed my period” (Read: OK!?! What does this mean – do you think its possible that there’s any other explanation apart from the fact that you’re suggesting you’ve conceived)
“It’s OK dear…I brought my toothbrush”) (Read: Oh shit! Next its the underwear, earrings, shoes, and then the pictures – I can deal with the others…but God! The pictures – that just has a feeling of finality)

But the most dreaded, and believe me it happens – is when she nonchalantly mentions that “Oh! By the way, I had lunch with your mum”, hoping that you won’t notice.

Case Study 1:

Let’s call him Adundo (clearly not his real name, but he’ll understand my sarcasm in using this name). Adundo is a very good pal who lives in America, and recently met this girl who for the sake of expediency (both are likely to read this blog post), I’ll say had a booty call arrangement with Adundo.

This past December, the girl jetted to Kenya for a long planned Christmas break, and just returned to the US. It was during that excitement of being back and racing for the usual dose of booty that the girl decided to throw in the “…by the way, I had lunch with your mum” thing….

Unsurprisingly, Adundo’s next conversation with his mum was somewhat uncomfortable especially with the mum adding fuel to this unplanned camp fire with suggestions like “She’s a nice girl you know, very intelligent and she looks like she comes from a good family”…or “you know Adundo, back in the day, we women were not that forthright and it was up to the man to show an interest and make the move towards the next step”….Adundo is still traumatized of course as to how this girl pulled off this ambush – but I keep telling him, don’t look far….LOL! Your sister is a probable conspirator, especially if she pretends she doesn’t know a damn thing.

Case Study 2

Steve was doing his masters in London and had planned to go back home soon after. I was with him at a party where he met this lovely lady who was on holiday in London, but soon to return to her duty station (she’s Kenyan but worked abroad). One thing led to another and a holiday romance blossomed with Luther Vandross’ philosophy of ‘Love the one your with’.

Before Steve could say the word ambush – his sister back in Kenya was unleashing congratulations and praises. “Your ‘girlfriend’ came home and met mum…she’s really nice, and I’m glad you told her where I worked otherwise she wouldn’t have found us”…LOL! “She even bought mum a really nice present from Malaysia – mum loves it”….”So are you going to marry her?”

I don’t know if girls realise that there are some ambushes that are totally unacceptable, below the belt and totally unsavoury. And they can be pretty convincing too, evidenced by the fact that the guys mums wax lyrical about the prospective daughter in law…what happened to the good old fashioned days of courting where a couple were left to their own devices without drafting in a guy’s mum? LOL! At least give a jamaa a chance to turn you down before drafting in reinforcements – coz’ clearly, once the mum is on the case, it becomes the topic of all conversation when you make the weekly, fortnightly, or monthly call home. “How is the lovely lady doing? I hope she’s taking care of you very well – she said you sometimes don’t eat well”….WTF!

God forbid she drafts in the guys father too LOL!….C’mon girls, play fair on our brothers.