Should men be kept away from the delivery room?
A debate has been raging this past week in the UK, about the role of men in the delivery room during childbirth. A renowned obstetrician Michel Odent has suggested that men should be kept well away from delivery rooms as they add little value to the process of childbirth.
Odent, a veteran who has overseen more than 15,000 deliveries in over 50 years says:
degree of ease. She needs to be in a private world where she doesn’t have to think or talk.
Yet, motivated by a desire to ‘share the experience’, the man asks questions and offers words of reassurance and advice, denying his partner the quiet mind that she needs. The father’s release of the stress hormone adrenaline as he watches his partner labour causes her anxiety, and prevents her from
Relaxing. No matter how much he tries to smile and appear relaxed, he cannot help but feel anxious. And the release of adrenaline is contagious.”
You see, my first encounter with the trauma of childbirth happened nowhere near a delivery room. Matter of fact, it happened at a social gathering while I attended some sort of party, I forget what the party was for, but I remember that I arrived late and was talked into having some dinner first before joining with the rough and tumble of the bash if you will.
The food was being served upstairs in the restaurant area and I ended up on the same table as a good friend of mine Bella, who had given birth less than 3 weeks earlier and was cuddling her little bundle of joy. While waiting for my food, I did what everyone who came through did – congratulated Bella, cuddled the baby myself and sang goo gaa songs as if the baby gave a fuck who I was. I of course questioned Bella about the father of the child coz’ this child was too cute to belong to her husband. I know him well, and G is one ugly son of a bitch.
Speaking of which, I really get cheezed off about how pretentious people can be. How many times have you heard people go all soft kneed and gooey and lying to a mother that her new born is a cute little thing, yet it’s all plain to see how ugly the sprog is. What happened to the good ole days when people were brave enough to call things for what they are? What happened to saying congratulations, but with a cautionary “lakini dude this baby is goddamn ugly, why lie”. But I digress.
As I tucked into my dish, more and more usual suspects came through to see the new baby. Unfortunately for me, many of them were young mothers who were keen to discuss more than just the baby. How was it? (as in the delivery) Was it as bad as the first? How badly did you tear?
I was very comfortable with how obscene these girls could get as we had been clubbing buddies for a long long time and very few things surprised any of us, or at least that’s what I thought. And believe me, this group of girls could be both vulgar and breath-taking in the same respect. I remember one of them once telling a dude who fancied her in the club not to bother if he was only going to survive one shot at an orgasm. If he wasn’t going to make her cum at least thrice, he should just cut his losses and run. And it was said with a nonchalant coldness it would unsettle any warm blooded male with a dick hard enough to cut diamonds.
Naturally, I made what I thought was a stealth move to relocate to another part of the room as clearly, the graphic conversation and description of childbirth was not conducive conversation for the meal. I was quickly ordered to sit the fuck down and listen to their tales, and I suspect the girls were enjoying watching me squirm as much as they were enjoying their conversation. I didn’t even realise at what point this banter turned into an indictment of the male species as I was blamed for all the happy go lucky men who just enjoy the orgasmic pleasure of sex and want little to do with the consequences. The least I could do was to sit and listen to the consequences of our orgasmic pleasure.
Of course I severely protested and insisted that they should blame their husbands and boyfriends seated downstairs, beer in hand and screaming at the football on the big screens. But that wasn’t going to cut any mustard. Calling my girlfriend at the time to bail me out was as useless as expecting the men downstairs to even attempt to venture into this conversation. I had to listen to every graphic detail from how Bella coped with the excruciating pain to the extent of her vaginal tears and how she was sown up by the midwife – and all this while having my rice and chicken. To tell you the truth, eating rice and chicken has never been the same for me any more.
Thinking of this debate about fathers in delivery rooms does make you wonder though. Will it all fall apart if we’re not there? I know for a fact, that many of my peers who are still back home won’t go anywhere near a delivery room. The best they’ll do is probably wait for the phone call to confirm whether it’s a girl or a boy, pop in to see mother and baby and then head off to the pub to celebrate with their mates.
I know it used to be like that in the 60s and 70’s, but the bra burning brigades of the 70s saw to it that some “bonding” was forthcoming and before long, men attending deliveries of their kids became more common than microwaves in the average household – at least in the western world. A good proportion even film the whole delivery and keep the video tape in the household collection alongside 101 Dalmatians, Chuck Norris’s Delta Force and that Lord of the Rings Trilogy.
Let’s face it. Despite the perceived bonding and closeness and the out of this world human experience that a couple can get from the man being present during the delivery, childbirth is a painful, stressful, unpleasant and traumatic experience. No amount of rose tinted “having my hubby around to support and share the experience” will change that fact.
Experiencing the birth of a child will definitely change a man. The question is whether it will change them enough to appreciate what their partner has just gone through enough to strengthen their relationship; or whether it traumatizes them to the point where they have a problem even looking at the business end of their partner’s femininity with the same enthusiasm that they used to do.
There are documented stories of men who have attended childbirth, and have been so traumatized that they have subsequently walked away never to be seen again by their partner.
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October 22nd, 2009 at 10:51 pm
I thought 3TOC would be here by now…
Interesting subject…there is no way my hubby will be in another room ati waiting for a phone call while I’m busy in serious agony. There is no way..we made the baby together..he will be there pende asipende. As for the men who ran off after seeing their wives/girlfriends give birth, sorry but that is not a real man to me. Kwani where does he think he came from?
On that note tho: Hubby will be standing next to me..not ati on the other end observing and sijui video taping..why do people video tape labour? Really..why? I don’t understand this part.
October 23rd, 2009 at 12:10 am
LOL Val.
Trust me my dear, you won’t be choreographing where hubby will stand or what view he’s entitled to. You’ll literally be on a different planet to even care, let alone be able to throw commands around.
I agree with you about the filming though. The scene is most definitely not designed for a film set. As the midwives diplomatically tell you – “it can get messy”.
October 23rd, 2009 at 2:14 am
I’m definitely for men being present. A few cowards will walk away soon after, but majority will bond more easily with their kids, and like u say, appreciate their partners more. Mine was the worst coward I’ve ever known, he left 5 months b4 labour. He was so scared of hormonal changes and couldn’t wait for the actual labour.
October 23rd, 2009 at 6:26 am
Good reading as usual!
I’m of the opinion that even mothers should be kept out of delivery rooms. Lets all just adopt! Enough children already.
As for the father bonding, my dad was in the delivery room when I was born, I’ve bonded with one who I call Daddy, better than my father and I ever did, so I say, that’s an Oprah show story.
You can bond with a child if you choose to, at any age, you don’t have to watch it all.
More than bonding with the kids, I’m told a man watching that interferes with intimacy, as he views his wife as a Madonna, not as ‘that sexy thang’!
If I had to choose, I would keep the man out. Retain the mystery.
October 23rd, 2009 at 10:48 am
Maua. 5 months before? Maybe some people are best forgotten. I know of a chap who even challenged whether he was the father. Talk about the height of impunity.
Kellie. It’s said that many fear the experience can be the beginning of the end of the relationship. Madonna isn’t necessarily a spring chicken…LOL.
But you’ve got to ask. Why would you assume and take it that intimacy will be affected after childbirth? Unless it’s all in the head as they say.
October 23rd, 2009 at 12:19 pm
Well you do like to stoke controversy, don’t you? I Would also be of the opinion that the guy should be out of the labour ward but around the hospital. That phone call thing is just messed up. He can come in after the mother is all cleaned up and the baby is wrapped in a bundle but he sure as hell will be close enough to be a bit anxious. That is enough for sharing the experience. It is just as nerve wracking without it being permanently scarring.
October 23rd, 2009 at 1:36 pm
Mystic. Me stoke controversy??? I wouldn’t know how to do that if my life depended on it.
Maternity ward waiting rooms have that eerie quietness you experience at the urinals. There’s this cold silence pierced only by pipeline noise as men try to pretend the others are not there with the blank staring into the wall above them hoping they don’t catch a glimpse of the other patron’s equipment to the left or the right.
The pressure to make conversation in the waiting room is overwhelming. I can just picture it.
“So is your wife getting epidurol or is she mad enough to stick to the oxygen gas thingybob?”
“Actually, she’s a bit crazy and thinks that natural birth is a beautiful thing and bearing the full brunt of the pain bonds you better with the child”.
AT which point both burst out laughing and shaking their heads…”Women!!!”
October 23rd, 2009 at 5:38 pm
I have a theory on ugly kids based on close observation of my assorted baby acquaintances.The ugly babies turn out to be really cute kids, and later nice looking adults. The beautiful babies on the other hand – well let’s just say it goes downhill from there.
I am totally against having a man in the birthing room, but for an entirely different reason:- I get the feeling my superhuman strength at the time coupled with the hatred I shall surely have for him will result in my baby having one dead parent and the other one locked up somewhere
October 23rd, 2009 at 5:42 pm
I think in the Diaspora we want what Romans are doing. In Africa, the men have always stayed away from hospitals leave alone the delivery wards, but the ratios of bonding, maintaining and really being there regardless of whether both parents stay together long/short haul are not anywhere close. (African fathers forget the kids completely when the haul comes to an end – even if they were in the delivery suites, while many, esp British fathers will be there regardless).
October 23rd, 2009 at 6:36 pm
Magaribina.
Believe me, I know a good lawyer who can get you acquitted by pleading insanity to any manslaughter charge that may come your way. And they will have overwhelming scientific evidence to make a case for temporary insanity during childbirth proving you were not in charge of your faculties. It’s a slum dunk case.
The only long term trauma will be deciding whether to have a birthday party for your child or a memorial service for your husband. I guess you could have the service in the morning and ask all the guests to then join you for the party in the afternoon.
Maua. Totally agree with you. Diasporans are living a different life with different expectations. Suggesting to a man back home to join his missus in the delivery room is regarded only with the contempt an Arsenal fan has for a Tottenham spud.
There is no research that suggests that a father who didn’t attend a birth is going to be a bad father, or that one who attends will be a good one. In this country, it’s always been sold as the “bonding and sharing the moment” experience. Spare a thought for a mother to be focussed on pushing and as the baby’s head comes out, the father faints.
That’s not a pretty sight right there.
October 23rd, 2009 at 8:22 pm
Assuming I knocked some poor woman up, I’d most likely be pacing the corridors outside the delivery room rather than in there… and now, I have ‘a study’ (those 2 words always make me LOL) to back me up.
But then again, if it were important to baby mama that I was with her, then I’d probably be by her side.
October 23rd, 2009 at 10:31 pm
Love love this post Mr Stone. I think it’s good for the man to be in there with wifey, but that’s just what I think. The idea of baby daddy in a pub waiting for that phone call just doesn’t cut it for me. One is part of baby making then one should really be there for the delivery. Filming is a no no, why oh why would I want to remember that bit.
How do you tell a woman that the baby is ugly? All of them are cute..hahaha I know it ain’t true but that’s the ‘rule’
Did you pace the corridors or did you get in there?
October 24th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
Gosh Darius! Madonna as in the Catholic version of Mother of God. The hubby starts viewing his wife as a ‘holy temple’ that should bear children, not strut in heels and dance with the stripper pole he had installed in the bedroom earlier on
A huge part of sexual attraction is in the head I believe. I wouldn’t want that when dude looks at me, all he sees is that image….
That said, I’m still campaigning to keep both parents out of the delivery room
@Maua, don’t discredit Africa, tumeendela. I was born in the early 80s, my Dad was in there with Mum.
October 24th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
Kellie. Maybe this Madonna thing is what Mystic means by suggesting that I stoke controversy. I wouldn’t have even thought of Madonna as you define it. Whenever I think of Madonna, I innocently default to our material girl popstar Ms. Louise Veronica Ciccone, the one who was born in Michigan, though it now seems a timelife since her virgin self was touched for the very first time.
There was a going joke when she (Madonna the singer) was recently divorcing Guy Richie when close friends were leaking gossip that the two hadn’t even had sex for over 18 months. It was around the same time that Tottenham Hotspur were leaking goals against all and sundry in the premiership and a radio call in was getting suggestions about who would succeed the just fired spurs manager.
One caller suggested Madonna for the reason that she had kept clean sheets for 18 months and Tottenham were badly in need of clean sheets, a football euphemism for not conceding goals. Guy richie is said to have suggested to her to ritire coz she wasn’t exactly a spring chicken any more and strutting her 50 something year old stuff with 20 something year old dancers on stage was not a pretty sight…but I digress yet again.
@Farmgal…LOL! That stunt of waiting for the phone call seems like a bad idea of a joke for most. But you’ll be surprised how calm some men will be in telling you “I’m just waiting for her sister to call and tell me if they’re done”.
As for being nice and diplomatic on ugly kids, let’s face it, a parent knows when you’re lying by saying otherwise.
Did I pace up and down the delivery room? LOL! You haven’t met ‘er indoors, have you? I was in the thick of it and was even the one who cleaned Stone Jnr when he was unleashed unto this earth.
@Mo, I believe you’ll always have good company pacing up and down. And it won’t just be from other ‘anxious’ fathers to be, there’ll probably be a representative sample of mothers to be, heavy with child, willing away their contractions by pacing up and down the same corridor chanting God knows what.
October 25th, 2009 at 10:20 am
He was in the room, just not at the birthing end of things.. but by my side.. and yes I had enough energy to tell him..”you stand here”. Why?? because I had read an article about some guy who after witnessing the whole drama from the wrong side of the bed, was unable to “see” his wife as sexual and it all went downhill from there.
Did he contribute much to being in the room. He did just by being there. Then again if my mum was around, I would probably not have had him in the room. He says he is very glad to have been there. He cut the umbilical cord (from the side.. no going down there. I was lucid enough to saya “you stand by my side and cut the thing!
. It was something we had debated to the last minute, i.e would he being the room or not and like all wise men, he knew the call was mine 
. YOu don’t mess with a woman in labour.
PS. you usually don’t swear when you write.. so , I was like ala, where is this coming from
October 25th, 2009 at 11:06 am
Mrembo. I have been known to “write as it comes out”, and once in a while, a swear word has been known to pop out. My bad if it offended you, but it’s just one of them subconscious things I do.
I agree with you about never arguing with a woman in labour. The midwife warned me as much…LOL! But I was later to find out from her colleagues that she was a nightmare and drama queen herself when in labour so she was talking from experience.
October 26th, 2009 at 12:25 am
Yaani I am this late. The comments are longer than the post.
This is how you get round the “ugl;y” baby situation. Instead of saying “wow, beautiful baby”, just say “copngratulations but you know currys has a discount on flat screen televisions with remote control these days.” Lest mum gives birth to another one! I am just saying.
Now onto the matter at hand. Let me tell you where I want my husband also known as baba mtoto- he better be in a Nine West shop buying me the sexiest pair of shoes they have or the most beautiful handbag or the smallest dress I will be able to fit in. None of this flowers business……………….when he walks in , like 24 hours later (I will need my beauty sleep) he should have a new handbag and a pair of shoes in one hand and my favourite icecream in the other and a cd with the song I am feeling at the moment on replay. Yes, 24 hours, sii the child is his for life- bonding can be scheduled into night-time when I AM asleep.
A very wise woman who is educating me about all matters marital told me this ( and I so see her point.)
Having a man in the delivery room can be detrimental to your sex life as a married couple for two reasons. Firstly the man will think, “gosh a whole human being came out of there ( and God help you if that babby had a big head) but anyway ,yes the man will think look at the size of my baby and look at the size of my “manhood”- there is no way manhood fits in there anymore.” OR he may think ” I can not do this to my wife again.”……………………….I am just passing on useful information I have so far received.
So you see,my husband has my permission to go to any pub he wants on the day but God help him is he comes to see me without a lovely pair of shoes…. that whole biology lesson of where babies comes from will be repeated for him with diagrams!
October 26th, 2009 at 9:37 am
@3TOC said it better than I ever could, but then again, she has the benefit of a marriage coach. Men should stay as far away from the delivery room as possible. Have your mother and all your girlfriends for support.
October 26th, 2009 at 10:28 am
I salute you Mr Stone…
Did your being there change how you feel about ‘er in doors? Just asking cos ..have you seen my last post?
3toc mami…wah!
October 26th, 2009 at 11:23 am
@Farmgal. Being there didn’t change things with ‘er indoors. I’m sure if her mum or sisters were in town I would have been drop kicked into a pub, but I guess you don’t always get what you want in life.
If your mind is as warped as 3TOC’s, then it’s easy for a man to be driven to standing in front of a mirror and comparing their manhood with a huge water melon (substitute here with anything comparable) and getting depressed over the competition – because clearly, you’re talking the Premier league vs the Vauxhall conference. If both you and your man start thinking like this, then it can become a slippery slope.
So how is your mission of getting paged going?
@3TOC, I gasto try out that flat screen distraction. I guess it can be traumatic to encounter a forthright comment about your baby’s beauty….LOL!
I’ll make a deal with you. I think I’ll have to keep baba mtoto aka your hubby company in that 72 hour window coz’ you’re just a certified drama queen. The man needs protection. Tell him I know a pub down town that’s a stone throw away from an unknown designer outlet that sells JimmyChoo shoes for £49. They should be able to find a handbag to throw in. I don’t know about the dress though. Them little number dresses can be a project to operate when it comes to breastfeeding, but I’m sure someone out htere has figured out a nursing mini dress.
Who knows, after a drinking session with me, he might decide to hell with the shoes. Besides, you’ve got the same disease as my wife of accumulating shoes. I’m sure like her, you have a whole closet full of shoes you’ve hardly worn.
BTW, that pub takes incoming calls if we designate them as Maternity emergency. Mobile phone reception can be a bastard, but I’m sure the staff nurse can find us on the pub phone once you’ve had your beauty sleep. It’s one of them that rings like a fire alarm bell.
October 27th, 2009 at 6:00 am
Anyone for an elective CS?
October 27th, 2009 at 11:33 am
Shikomsa..where can one get one of those in UK?
Darius..plan is going well so far..hehehe
October 27th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
Hey Darius,
no offence taken.. I get what you mean …. None taken at all… it was just so different from your other reads.. that’s all.
@3TOC… that was funny..
October 27th, 2009 at 5:36 pm
Shiko. Elective C sections at one point were at risk of becoming the vogue thing amongst the socialites and “I’m keeping my body and business end intact” types. As they say, anything is possible for a price.
@FG, si you know the NHS will kick you into touch when you go elective on their behinds. I hear there’s a good market for it amongst the private Harley street clinics – but I don’t know any normal people who can afford them clinics.
Mrembo, it’s all gweno.
October 30th, 2009 at 9:57 am
@farmgal, @Darius Stone, forget about C Sections and labour rooms. Parentless children are here. http://tinyurl.com/yl9nkm4
October 31st, 2009 at 1:14 am
Come to think of it, I doubt i still want to hit that delivery room…let me start work on a book detailing why men shouldn’t be in delivery rooms. Off to make up some statistics…by the time i’m done, i won’t need to answer any questions, js smile and point at the ‘fact-filled’ book and say ‘No hon, u are on ur own’
November 2nd, 2009 at 2:03 pm
Better late than never, I always never say. Anyway, I’ve read all the comments with interest. Here are my two cent’s worth:
1. All babies are cute-it’s the fact that everything about them is sooo tiny..and their emotions are so genuine that appeals to you, no matter the aesthetic look of the kid.
2. I don’t think men should be allowed in the delivery room, but pacing outside the delivery room is what I would advocate for my baba mtoto, if there ever will be one.
3. Speaking of childbirth, a classmate who recently gave birth told us it’s one of those things where you have no shame. For her, she was not even wearing a thin hospital gown but buck naked with her legs spread the widest they can get. I dread this giving birth business, but if and when the time comes, natural is the way to go (vs elective CS).