Job Vacancy: Obama body double required
Are you one who likes sailing close to the wind? Do you thrive from a rush of adrenaline? Are you comfortable with sitting around doing nothing for time on end, and waiting to be called upon? Are you male, black, handsome and tall, and aged between 40 and 50 years old? Are you the perfect look-alike and double of the newly appointed leader of the free world?
You could be the person that the United States Secret Service are looking for. You will have to have been comatosed for the last 3 months not to have noticed who our new boss in Pennsylvania Avenue is. We are fully committed to ensuring that our employer is able to wake up every morning and do his job. You will understand of course, that this can be somewhat of a project, so that’s where you come in.
We want you to be a full time stand-in decoy. Your role with us will be a bitter sweet one. Needless to say, it is possible that there will be several attempts on your life, and we need to be upfront and honest about this, since this is the reason we seek your services as a decoy. You will be accorded reasonable protection in order to maintain your cover and character as a stand-in for our boss.
You will not be required to talk to anyone when on duty, make any speeches, or carry out official functions. All you will be required to do is look the part, smile and wave when your security detail chief or handler tells you to. In addition to your remuneration, you will travel in style in your own stretch limousine with the sort of motorcade and outback riders accorded to heads of state anywhere in the world, so much so that you won’t be able to get from K street to your local 7-11 without a weather satellite picking you up. You will have a nominal budget to extend your wardrobe, and occasionally ride around in a Boeing 747 aircraft alone so that we can make people think our boss is actually somewhere else.
You will never have the opportunity to be in the same room or travel together with our boss for that matter, otherwise the whole purpose of employing you as a body double and decoy will be fruitless. There will be long days and equally long nights of waiting, and sometimes you will be away from your family for long periods.
So, if this is you, and you can live with the anxiety and tension of being a mobile target for bad people who don’t want our boss to wake up every morning to do his job, then please send 2 recent passport size photos, alongside your resume to:
Personnel office
Presidential Protection Division (Secret Service)
Treasury Dept
Washington DC
USA
We are an equal opportunity employer but recognize that in this case, it will be difficult to offer an opening for a female or non-black candidate. We are open to applications especially from prospective Africans who meet the minimum criteria of being a picture perfect body double.
Please note that the health and safety executive has classified this role as extremely dangerous and life threatening. We therefore encourage you to approach it with a sense of humour and don’t take it too seriously, because there is a real possibility that you might not make it out on the other side.
