STONE COLD HAVEN

So I was scanning through the channels on TV late last night waiting for the news. I wouldn’t have naturally done this save for the commercials on the Sky Sports News Channel which I was avoiding like a nonsense.

Lo and behold, there was another reality TV disaster, this time in the form of the colourful heir head Paris Hilton, apparently hosting her own show to pick her next British Best friend. In my spirit of being an equal opportunity hater, I should state here that I had consigned similar reality shows like Tyra’s America’s next top model in the queue of the contenders for filing in the section between shit and syphilis. Paris here however, is challenging me to consider taking Tyra seriously and give her model show the benefit of the doubt.

I don’t have anything against Tyra or the many hosts of the woeful reality TV shows, its just that the whole frigging concept of subjecting desperate teenagers and young girls who want their 15 minutes of fame to some tired, questionable and subjective hoop jumping is a retarded concept. For one, these are more often than not vulnerable youngsters with the spot light thrust on them and probably end up more traumatized at the end of the show for having exposed themselves so badly without even realising it. Secondly, I’m yet to actually see the fruition of the vanity of the experience of the show. Pray tell someone, do these folks actually get anywhere in life afterwards – in their chosen career path anyway?

I guess I was just intrigued of how ITV programming bosses are desperate for ideas or ratings they’d unleash Ms. Hilton to the British public. What happened in America??? Or rather, couldn’t ITV figure out American networks were never going to let this ‘Paris British Best Friend’ nonsense actually see the light of day?

And who are these girls who actually even involve their families in desperately pretending to be who they’re obviously not in order to win a prize to become Paris’ new best friend in Britain….LOL! She must have pissed off Nicole Richie badly to need a screening show to pick another party mate. And these British girls are actually crying out loud because they’re being booted off the show following a desperate rant and attempt by Paris to pull off the suspense of Donald Trump or Alan Sugar’s Apprentice firings.

You know, there’s a famous saying which suggests that its better to keep quiet and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt. Last night was a classic example of the application of this rule of common sense. But I guess sometimes its unreasonable to expect common sense to be a common characteristic.

It’s that time of year when the rich and the powerful meet up in their playground in Davos Switzerland. Some things remain the same – like you’re nobody if you don’t have an entourage and a motorcade of black 4 by 4s with blacked out windows gliding through the snow; but some things have changed. There’s those like John Thain, the former Chief Executive of Merrill Lynch, who was due to host one of the biggest events in Davos this year but lost his job recently (surprise surprise) – and other financial fat cats who have been responsible for the most spectacular decline of the financial infrastructure of our generation keeping away from the event in shame.

What caught my attention was an interview that the BBC had with Kenyan Prime Minister Raila Odinga this morning. Zimbabwe unsurprisingly, is one of the topics round the coffee table and around the water coolers, and Raila Odinga is seeking political support amongst world leaders in Davos for an exit strategy for Robert Mugabe. What’s surprising is that this suggestion (its been mooted in the past), has never been followed up seriously.

Raila’s position is that Mugabe should be offered a Golden handshake and immunity from prosecution for any crimes of humanity against the Zimbabwean people, and a safe passage to a safe haven where he can retire in peace and die slowly. I actually wouldn’t mind if Kenya offered him that safe passage and a nice cosy retirement pad with a couple of sentries guarding his gates, if it means that the Zimbabwean people are going to have a chance at rebuilding their lives, sooner rather than later.

The problem seems to be the old school cabal of African leaders who have a lot to lose and need to protect themselves, hence their blind and unflinching support for Mugabe. Many African leaders have entered office and retained power in ways not dissimilar to Mugabe’s unsavoury tactics, including Kenya’s own President, Emilio Mwai mwana wa Kibaki. So for all intents and purposes, moral authority amongst African leaders is a rare commodity.

The question is…has anyone else got the cojones to encourage Bob to take his golden handshake? His flamboyant wife, Lady Grace, the first shopper of Zimbabwe, might have a re-entry problem back into civilian life, but nothing like a good old dose of reality will help bitch slap her back into the land of the living.

If it was only possible to get a beer each time I was tagged…..

Well, since Val tagged me, I guess its good netiquette to actually respond….and I must admit, some of my answers surprised me.

4 things that I’m passionate about

1. My family. I know I missed out a lot on my son’s first year growing up coz’ of work schedules and routines that tested the boundaries of insanity. I guess sometimes we struggle to get the balance between providing for and actually living life, but I’ll be damned if I do that again.
2. I’m fanatical about Arsenal football club. Some argue that my obsession is insane and unhealthy, but hey! Some folks love sex, others worship money, my serenity is the Arsenal. Of course it doesn’t help that my wife is a diehard Chelsea fan (you should see her shouting down a dodgy ref on TV – Oh! She makes me so proud), and people have asked me how I can live with a Chelsea fan – but stranger things have happened I tell you. At least we’re both passionate and crazy about the mighty All Blacks when it comes to rugby.
3. Music. Did I mention music. I listen to most stuff except classical (despite studying it in high school and performing classical pieces) and hard core head banging noise that some folks prefer to call music. The only time I certified myself as clinically depressed was when in 1998, my entire music collection (I won’t say how many records or CD’s coz’ it was obscene – Imelda Marcos and her shoes wouldn’t touch me), was stolen while in transit. I was more gutted about the sentimental value of some of those songs rather than the financial cost of acquiring them.
4. Writing. If I’m in a good zone and I’ve got the right headspace, I enjoy writing creative and thought provoking things. I sometimes scare myself when I read back what I’ve written in the past but I don’t regret it for the most part… Someone once told me that if I put my mind to it, my vividness and descriptive precision can be disturbing…LOL! Ye with issues….

4 words or phrases I use often

1. Whatsmijiggmiface. Another variation is whatsmithingibob. I smile at my introduction to the whatsmijiggmiface word by my Australian flat-mate way back in college (bless her cotton socks…).The poor girl wanted to find a way of articulating her thoughts about the male genetalia without blushing in a room filled with warm blooded males.
2. Lakini some people jomoko yawa – a phrase I use a lot in “mshangao” mode
3. “I must have given you the impression that I actually give a fuck” – usually reserved for those that I want to ensure that there’s absolutely no ambiguity or grey areas about where I stand.
4. ”Where did that come from?” – particularly when wondering what’s with the attitude….

4 things I want to do before I die

1. Drive a train through a subway tunnel. I think its crazy driving an underground train in the dark and I just want to experience that madness.
2. Renew my marriage vows at Ashburton Grove in N5 1BU, the most famous post code in North London. In case you’re wondering, its the magnificent Emirates Stadium, home of the Arsenal. Don’t tell anyone, but I don’t think my wife will buy that standing on the centre circle of the pitch with a vicar sort of thing (though I personally wouldn’t mind Arsene Wenger doing it)…but hey, you can dream….
3. Do a road trip with a few good friends (the usual suspects know themselves) driving from the furthest point in the East coast of America, to the opposite side of the West coast. It’ll just be fun stopping for a few days nowhere in particular, or trying to find someone you know in a strange place like North Dakota. Considering you can fly for more than 8 hours and still be in the same country – I dread to think how long it will take and how many hired cars will be broken…but it just feels like a damn good thing to do.
4. Learn how to use a fax machine and a photo-copier by myself….Yes! I confess (LOL!)…its a long story.

4 things I have learnt from the past

1. Some people are only alive because it’s illegal to kill
2. The only thing a good credit rating is useful for is to get you into debt – fuck that!
3. Ambition is a poor excuse for those without the guts or the balls to say fuck it once in a while. It’s OK to be comfortable with what I’m up to…what’s all the fuss about.
4. Everybody in life has their own demons…most never talk about their trials and tribulations, but behind the many faces that they present to others, there’s always one messed up person behind there.

4 Places I want to see or visit

1. A proper traditional bull fight in Spain (I don’t want to be the matador)…but I most def want to experience the drama and run like a nonsense with a bull vying for blood chasing folks down the street.
2. Being at the stadium where Arsenal lift the European Champions league trophy
3. I want to go back to the little Italian restaurant in Old Town Alexandria…I don’t know whether they were having a bad night the first time I went there, but having the restaurant to ourselves with a chef who enjoyed cooking for us was the bomb.
4. Seoul. When I was last in South Korea, I spent most days working and couldn’t venture out much – well except for the magnificent pub, the Warbar down the road from the hotel. But the couple of nights we went downtown was not enough to soak up the experience. When they say Asian tiger, you have to ride this one to believe it. It’s a fascinating place that I want to go back to.

4 things that happened yesterday

1. I watched 2 episodes of Spooks
2. I read an excruciatingly boring report with many figures that just went way over my head.
3. Tomas Rosicky started training again – Yippee! (its an Arsenal thing)…
4. My son cracked me up playing his own rendition of twinkle twinkle little star on the piano…

Do I even have enough people to tag? Let me see – Rafiki, Mystic, Acolyte, and where the hell is Pink when you need her?

Ebu unleash.

It seems ages since I was last accused of being as old as a railway line (chuma ya reli) for unleashing an old school play list that brought my age to question. I thought this week, I’d relax with a few easy listening rock classics (yeah! I’m that way inclined sometimes)…so come rock with me.

1. Your beautiful by James Blunt

This is actually my wife’s favourite song. Maybe its her way of getting me to sing the lyrics to her time and time again…and believe me, the effort is worth the while each time round (if you catch my drift). I like the simplicity of the song though…nice and easy and very passionate.

2. Torn by Natalie Imbruglia

Just like with Mary, there’s something about this song that does it for me. In fact, I’ll go as far as saying its one of my all time favourite songs. Don’t know what it is, but perhaps its just Natalie, and especially those lips. I always believed she was a hit even as far back in her days on Neighbours (do folks still watch that show?), but I think its those lips. They’re just designed for action or as Apingo Nyawawa (long story) would say, they’re very nyonyarable…(and wipe that smirk off your face…LOL).

3. Always by Bon Jovi

Very few people will contest that Jon Bon Jovi deserves his legendary status in this wonderful world of rock music. This song is just one reason why. It’s the sort of song you’d love blasting out of the juke box (not too loud, but loud enough for you not to hear the next conversation), while you sit down on a stool by the bar counter contemplating how your day has been…And did I mention that cold pint of beer to go with it?

4. Give into me by Michael Jackson (shorter video clip)

Very rare occasions will beat the “I was there – once in a lifetime” moments that we experience, say for instance, President Obama’s inauguration as the first black resident of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, or the funeral of Diana Princess of Wales. Me thinks that a good contender for a “I was there moment” is any Michael Jackson live concert. Granted, off the stage, he’s let’s just say, probably on his own galaxy…but on stage, the man deserves due respect for what he did on stage.

Give into me was one of them examples that I was lucky enough to see live as part of his UK Dangerous tour in 1992. I used to wonder how folks were stupid enough to lose the plot coz’ of a performing artist, but my answers came in the form of the 60 something year old grandfather boogying his ass off next to me at Wembley Arena…I didn’t even notice myself screaming….

This is the sort of song you blast full volume when you’re home alone on Saturday, walking around naked and doing some cleaning up while miming to the song…and when the neighbour peeks to confirm to himself if he’s seeing what he just thought he saw….you turn around facing him with the mop – imitating Slash playing that guitar while wearing that “WTF! smirk on your face)…LOL!

5. Ironic by Alanis Morissette

I remember this song intimately because of some dramas of my mis-spent youth. If there’s a dangerous thing to do, its walking into an Australian pub in London to watch Australia play New Zealand in rugby on big screen whilst wearing an All Blacks rugby Jersey. My mitigation was that my Kiwi mates Jimbo and Gary (who dared me to pull this off with them) were also as stupid as I was with their All Blacks Jerseys. Needless to say, the mighty All Blacks won the match and Jimbo, Gary and myself got away with having to perform like Alanis Morissette on tables (blame the alcohol) cheered on by a pub full of Aussies (talk about ironic). Good times those were – if only football fans were as civil as rugby fans.

6. Breakfast at Tiffanys by Deep Blue Something

This is one of them songs that just grows on you and before you know it, you find yourself singing the chorus at the top of your voice. Another pub classic that gets the lads and lasses thinking they’re rock stars after only a few pints. But its the kind of song that makes you not regret going to the pub on a Friday night.

7. More than words by Extreme

This song has kinda got that effect that Bob Marley’s Redemption song gives you. Nice, easy and simple, that’s what I’ve always loved about it. Just two geezers sitting down with a guitar and singing some deep stuff. Listen to this and tell me you don’t find this classic loveable. It’s the sort of song that gets other folks in a traffic jam turning around to look at you when you’re blasting it out loud and singing along to it in the car, and you can see that twinkle in their eyes saying “Damn you…that song is cool…”.

8. (What if God was) one of us by Joan Osborne

This song took its time but it grew on me after a while. I sometimes surprise myself when I find myself just singing out to the lyrics while working or doing whatever. It even made some business associates think I was losing the plot when I was clearly enjoying the night out at Stake Out, a club in Kampala, Uganda. See, they had thought I was upset coz’ I didn’t like the roast pork that is legendary in Kampala (give me proper goat nyam chom any time), so its no surprise when they kept giving me daggers while I enjoyed my rock music….what did they expect taking me out to a rock night on a Thursday evening?

9. (Don’t look back in anger) So Sally can wait by Oasis

The only downside to Noel and Liam Gallagher is that they’re Manchester City fans. If only they were gooners. Never the less, this track is one that you can’t miss in any pub juke box and one of them that you find yourself singing aloud like the guy propped up on the bar stool next to you without even realising it.

10. Don’t let go by En Vogue

Again, this is a song that grows on you after a while. From the destinys children of the 90’s – a nice good solid track that feels good being blasted when home alone or in the car. I like the guitar in it and its prominence in the song, and I think it was the only decent track of the album it was on…but all in all, a nice classic track thats a competitor for one of my other favourite En Vogue songs, Runaway love.

Now doesn’t that just make you feel better?

Their mandate in economic rape and pillaging is rubber stamped by the aptly called Parliamentary Service Committee (well – it’s because the only thing they serve is an insalubrious and dodgy parliament). This so called committee is chaired by the Speaker of the Kenyan Parliament, Kenneth Marende, and the VP – Kalonzo Musyoka, as well as the two deputy Prime Ministers, Uhuru Kenyatta and Musalia Mudavadi are fully paid, card carrying members of the “let’s rape Kenya” cabal.

Kenyans most seasoned bandits who regularly masquerade as members of parliament are perhaps most infamous for two outstanding acts of impunity:

1. They’re the highest paid legislators in the world, despite Kenya being one of the poorest countries in the world and having a human development index ranking of 148 out of 177.
2. They have illustrated the highest and most insulting level of impunity by not only refusing to pay taxes on allowances, they’ve actually legislated against paying these taxes.

The most basic thing you learn about leadership, is the importance of exemplifying in your every day actions, the values and virtues you purport to stand for or represent. Forget the fact that tax evasion or tax avoidance can be argued to be a criminal offence, the actions of Kenyan legislators defy belief in illustrating how totally out of this planet and out of touch with reality these low life punks are. Kenyans are experiencing possibly the worst economic hardships that our generation has seen, with massive unemployment, a looming famine affecting over 10 million people, a truck load of social and development challenges, and I don’t know what else, and these so called members of the August house shamelessly rape the country with their impunity in self preservation.

I’d like to illustrate this point with some figures (credited to some good research by the Nairobi Star

• Including salary, benefits and allowances, the monthly (Yes – monthly) take home pay for a Kenyan member of parliament is Kshs. 1,435,846 (US$ 17,970 per month). Considering this is mostly tax free, it equates to a monthly gross income of over Kshs. 2,000,000 (US$ 25,031 gross per month)
• The single biggest expenditure per MP is a personal allowance equating to an average of Kshs. 700,000 per month (US$ 8,760 per month). The personal allowance caters for (among other things) house allowance, responsibility allowance (now this one is just a classic, being paid to be responsible), entertainment allowance (Kshs. 67,000 – can you believe this?), transport (not even car allowance, just transport), extraneous allowances (this I’d like to find out more, domestic servants allowances, attendance, constituency and car maintenance allowances.
• In addition to the car maintenance allowance and the transport allowance, each MP gets a mileage claim allowance, which added together, gives you a grand total of an allowance of Kshs. 629,000) per month (US$ 7,872) to run a vehicle.
• Each MP has also received a grant of Kshs. 3,300,000 (US$ 41,301) to buy a car, and by the way, the import duty on these so called official cars are paid for them.
• MPs and their entire families are insured for personal and health insurance equating to Kshs. 51,000 per year per MP.
• Parliament also has a capital grant fund of Kshs. 400 million (US$$ 5,006,257) to the mortgage fund capital to assist MPs to buy houses (which begs the question – where were these punks living before?”

We haven’t even considered the expenses for running constituency offices. I’m getting a migraine just thinking of it.

You know what’s sad is that there are people walking the streets looking for every available opportunity, however small, to put food on the table for their families. On a good day, they’ll get one meal, and many others go without something to eat, and not because of lack of trying. You don’t even have to struggle to count those who’ve resorted to commercial sex work as the only alternative to feed their own, or to supplement what meagre resources they have.

…and these bandits shamelessly call themselves leaders of Kenya.

The last few months have been quite surreal with the build up to one of the most historic days of our lives. No one can doubt the significance of Barrack Hussein Obama’s ascendancy to the highest office in America, and arguably, the world’s most anticipated and popular presidential fairytale.

Without detracting from the significance of the event and the expectations the world has of this 47 year old son of a Kenyan, the circus and madness that has accompanied his ascendancy into office needs to be addressed. It was necessary and acceptable to celebrate Obama’s victory and inauguration – but seriously, enough is enough and folks need to get a grip of themselves.

I’ll give you a couple of examples (and these are just a tip of the iceberg):

• This video of Obama victory celebrations in Kisumu illustrates euphoria getting the better of folk…(look out for the interviewee unleashing all the big words he can muster.
• The hullabaloo of Kenyan government officials clambering for a place in a dodgy delegation travelling to the US for the inauguration. Apart from Obama’s family from Kogello, no Kenyan government officials had a God given right to use tax payers money for an expedition to Washington DC. No heads of state or official foreign delegations are ever invited to presidential inaugurations, and this was no exception. Furthermore, Kenya has an official emissary whose job it is to represent the country at official functions, so it should have been left to the Kenyan Ambassador to the US to attend on our behalf – and if he needed moral support, he has a colleague working as the Kenyan Ambassador to the UN down the road in New York.

Enough has been said about the shenanigans of government officials in this drama of “a must attend bash in DC”, so I won’t say much on that, suffice to say that the above examples and many more that have been in the news illustrate the extent to which this issue has taken over people’s lives, particularly in Kenya.

My 2 cents in this matter:

1. Yes, Obama is significantly more charismatic and inspirational than his predecessor, but this guy cannot walk on water.
2. Obama’s priority is absolutely the domestic issues in the United States – not surprisingly because he is their elected leader (and not a Kenyan politician).
3. Obama’s in-tray dictates that he has no time to focus on much outside domestic economic policy except to clean up the mess that is George Bush’s so called wars on terror and stop Israel bombing the hell out of Iran’s nuclear experiment.
4. Without fixing the economic nightmares in the US, Obama is not even going to get anywhere, let alone a second term in office – the US economy is his make or break, it’s the albatross hanging around his neck.
5. Obama clearly doesn’t feel as inclined to worship his Kenyan roots in comparison to Kenyans who are waxing lyrical about their son and that their son is their new saviour

People should therefore get a grip and come back down to reality. We have serious issues in Kenya that need serious leaders and serious solutions. The only expectation that Obama can realistically fulfil is to provide a tangible example of inspirational and effective leadership to other African leaders. He can provide a living example of what leaders can aspire to. He can provide a blue print to show how leaders can engage with their citizens, and all this because he has more of a moral authority and credibility to challenge our incompetent leaders.

Obama’s victory will not translate to food on our tables. Obama’s victory will not address the current famine affecting a third of Kenya’s population. Obama’s victory will not translate to a better sense of security where our citizens can freely walk the streets without fear of robbery or rape. Obama’s victory will not translate to the resettlement of the hundreds of thousands of internal refugees displaced after our post election violence. Obama’s victory will not translate to lower unemployment in Kenya and better economic opportunities for our citizens. Obama’s victory will not translate to tribal harmony and a national sense of citizenship and patriotism that shuns our shameful tribal politicking and tribal inequalities.

It’s time to get a grip of ourselves and get back to the reality of getting ourselves out of the quagmire that we’re collectively in as Kenyans. It’s not Obama’s job to sort our shit out.

I guess when Carlene Anderson sang mama said, she knew what it meant to heed her mother’s warning to keep away from and not to talk to strangers. Clearly some dodgy cab drivers define the meaning of strangers.

This story of a London cab driver convicted for sexually assaulting 14 female passengers actually makes you think this stuff doesn’t just happen to other women , like the lotto, it could be you.

And the culprit is supposedly licenced and has had a criminal background check done on him before a cabbing licence was issued.. What’s scary is that it doesn’t take much for a rape to turn into a murder.

Going out for the night has indeed become a project or maybe its getting back home after a good night out.

I have resisted for the last month or so to comment on any aspect of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, primarily because of my strong feelings against the sheer force and brutality of the Israeli agression and collective punishment towards the Palestinian people.

The Story of Dr. Ezzldeen Abu Al-Ashi whose house was bombed during a live broadcast to Israeli TV sums up this madness.

Dr. Al-Ashi’s 3 daughters were killed in the carnage and his grief and panic captured live and beamed to Israeli’s whose government is supposedly protecting by its agression on the people of Gaza.

Obama can clearly make his mark and step aside from the toothless intervention of the US administrations of the last 16 years by having the conviction to talk down the increasingly right wing Israeli government hell bent on becomeing a law unto themselves…but chances are that like Clinton and Bush before him, Barrack Obama will bow to the powerful Israeli lobby and their so called right to massacre Palestinians in the name of protecting themselves.